


A Second Chance

by maebyrutherford (maeberutherford)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Jealousy, Longing, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 21:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3224654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maeberutherford/pseuds/maebyrutherford
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen holds back his feelings for Ellana Lavellan for duty and honor, but learns to regret it once the Inquisitor moves on.  Is it too late for him to make things right?  CONTAINS MAJOR DRAGON AGE INQUISITION STORY SPOILERS!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Second Chance

**Author's Note:**

> These events occur just before the famous "kiss on the battlements" scene in the game, when the romance with Cullen starts. It's my first time at writing fan fic, I hope you enjoy it!

“Cullen, I thought we could talk? Alone?”

That was the question she had asked of him in his office just a few moments ago on a particularly lovely day at Skyhold. He didn’t like to be presumptuous but he was fairly sure he knew what she wanted to discuss. They had had been through so much together over the past six months he now felt as if he could read her face, read the emotions in her voice, perhaps even read her mind. They agreed to meet on the battlements in half of an hour. It was finally happening, unless he fouled it up. He would not this time.

Cullen, ever the workaholic and partially to let his nerves settle, tried to wrap up a few loose ends in his office, yet his mind wandered. He remembered fondly with a bit of heartache those early days when the Inquisition was just forming; his awe of Ellana Lavellan after she fell from the breach and her willingness to help, his many conversations with her about their pasts peppered with their casual flirtations that he so looked forward to, the terror he felt for her that took him by surprise when she stayed behind at Haven, the immense relief as he held her tight in his arms carrying her back to camp, still breathing. He recalled their smiles across the war table when Josephine or Leliana would bicker about how to approach some noble’s nonsense issue, their exasperated looks exchanged when those two would gossip about old acquaintances in Orlais, the arguments he would have with her over how to approach a mission that would end with Cullen marveling at her resolve and cunning. The combination of relief and pride he’d feel when she would return to Skyhold after not just surviving difficult battles, but devastating the enemy with her rogue talents and her ability to bring out the best in her team. Their games of chess where sometimes she would let him win and he would let her think he didn’t know. Cullen became very skilled at watching her without her being the wiser, marveling at her bronze skin that seemed to glow from within, the lovely swirling markings on her high cheekbones, her small hands pushing her dark hair behind her elegant long ears, her large dark eyes that held an intoxicating mixture of vulnerability and strength, her quick wit.

He intuited that she too struggled with feelings for him; there were looks that lingered a bit too long, unnecessary touches, wide and eager smiles that seemed reserved only for him, divulging details about herself that she shared with no one else, a palpable _electricity_ between them, but he foolishly kept her at arm’s length. At the time he felt that he could not allow the flirtations go too far because of his duty to the Inquisition and their dire circumstances - they were at war, and as much as he might want to be with her, it was not in the best interest of their cause. Entering into a relationship when she already had the fate of the world resting in the palm of her hand would be a distraction that they may not be able to afford, and there was something else; a persistent feeling that he was simply unworthy. A bit of self-flagellation for his past deeds, perhaps, but he couldn't shake the notion, and he wasn't sure if he could bear disappointing her. Was it so terrible to remain her friend, her confidante, her partner and advisor? Cullen learned soon enough that the heart decided on its own time when to stop listening to reason and logic. A memory came to him then with a jolt of strong regret: Ellana arriving unexpectedly at his tower late one night while he was suffering a particularly bad bout of lyrium withdrawal, stammering over thinly veiled excuses to be there, clearly wanting something, Cullen almost forgetting all of his reservations, frightened of his overwhelming desire to take her in his arms and grab onto her for dear life upon seeing her at his doorstep yet not wanting her to see him so vulnerable and weak, stupidly and gruffly telling her he was very busy, could they talk another time? The crushed look on her face when she left was something he’d never forget and since then he hadn’t been able to forgive himself. She knew he had stopped taking lyrium and had been very supportive, the least he could have done was be honest with her. He had resolved to approach her and apologize once he came out of the lyrium haze; little did he know that it was a particularly bad withdrawal cycle and it would be another two weeks before he was himself again and Ellana was constantly traveling. It was so bad that he was unable to attend several meetings and training exercises; thankfully Cassandra was able to cover for him. Cullen even then didn’t quite realize the extent of his love for Ellana, until...

After one brutally long day of training a large number of exceptionally inadequate recruits he had decided (uncharacteristically) to treat himself to a couple of ales at the tavern. Ellana was in Val Royeaux with Josephine to meet with some silly noble about a land dispute, fortunate because even though he was anxious to apologize, he was apprehensive about where that conversation might lead. Cullen wasn't sure he was ready for that - not just yet. He took a seat by himself which wasn’t difficult since it was mostly empty, save a few patrons and the minstrel playing her jaunty tune about Sera. Suddenly he heard laughter and the familiar booming voice of Iron Bull cutting through the din, coming from upstairs.

“Ha ha ha, I wish I could have been there to see that! Sooooooo, you and the Boss, eh? You know, I’ve got to ask, who’s the boss in the bedroom?”

And then Blackwall’s voice, clear as day, slightly drunk, trying to be quiet but failing miserably. “How did you - how did you know about that? Maker’s balls, keep your voice down!”

“Ben-Hassrath here, remember? And this place is empty, don’t worry. Good on you, Blackwall, seriously. The Boss is a great woman, and you’re a good man. Just don’t ever hurt her, or I’ll hurt you, got it?”

“Aaah, Bull, this is a private matter, please. And you don’t have to worry about that. Maker, I do not know what I did to deserve her.”

There was more talk but Cullen could no longer hear it. He became temporarily selectively deaf as his thoughts and emotions began to swirl and threaten to suffocate him. How did this happen? When? Of course he had noticed that Blackwall greatly admired her but they all loved her on some level, it was what made her such an excellent leader. Why didn’t he realize that his feelings for her were something far more serious and that she could possibly return his affections? Cullen had never witnessed her treating Blackwall any differently than her other companions, Ellana could be flirty with some of them and especially liked to tease Cassandra who always took it with good humor. Then again he wasn’t around when she was out on missions. There were many nights spent in tents under the stars at a campsite, the mere thought made his stomach turn... and she _did_ frequently ask him to accompany her when traveling, he's previously assumed it was because of his impressive work with a sword and shield. Had Cullen been so confident that she only had feelings for him, so arrogant that she’d never move on to someone that actually returned her affections? He was so caught up in his self-imposed torture that it had completely blinded him to the fact that he was losing her to another man. It took all of his willpower to stop himself from smashing the tankard into the wall. After gulping down the rest of his ale he quickly retreated back to his tower, face flushed and eyes damp .

The days and weeks that followed were, frankly, torture for the Commander. The first time he saw Ellana after the tavern incident, when their eyes met, he sensed immediately that he had lost her. There was no longer that openness, that desire that was there before, and he hated himself for squandering it. It had been replaced by a sadness, but was there a bit of longing there still? He couldn’t be sure - he was so ashamed at being such a fool that he was unable to look her in the eye for very long. She seemed to avoid him then, and when they were together their conversations became short, courteous and dry, all business. Every time he saw Blackwall he had to fight the highly irrational urge to put his sword through his belly - his hand which normally rested loosely on the pommel would always tighten just for a second. Thank the Maker they kept their affections largely hidden from public display, although once or twice he would catch them giving each other sweet looks, or grasping hands, or Blackwall would lean in to kiss her forehead and linger there much too long. Cullen could barely stomach those moments and he would always look away or leave if he was able. He wondered now if anyone had noticed? He didn’t even want to think about who visited whom in the evening, although it was difficult not to. The very idea made him ache with jealousy and regret. He even tried to convince himself that their relationship was chaste, but of course he knew better. At the time he wasn’t sure if it was wishful thinking, but when he witnessed them together he could swear that she didn’t appear to be as invested as Blackwall; perhaps she was just trying to keep a professional appearance. Josephine, Cassandra and Leliana must have known of Cullen’s true feelings (probably because it was more obvious than he realized) since they were very kind and patient with him during this time without outright saying anything about it. He greatly appreciated that and would someday muster up the courage to thank them. His lyrium withdrawals also became much worse during this time, a coincidence? He did not think so.

When Blackwall suddenly disappeared to turn himself in and his true identity and his crime were discovered, Ellana must have been extremely shaken, but she kept a steely cool for the most part in front of her advisors and companions once they tracked him down in Val Royeaux . The revelation that he was not Blackwall the Grey Warden but an Orlesian captain named Thom Rainier who ordered an assassination on a Lord (and unfortunately his family was unintended collateral damage) for gold sent shockwaves throughout the Inquisition. Josephine, Leliana and Cullen all assured her during their long meeting after they returned to Skyhold that they would support her no matter her decision, which turned out to be an extraction from the Val Royeaux prison via Leliana’s spies in the dead of night so that the Inquisition may pass judgement. If he had imagined this scenario in the past, he was sure he would have encouraged her to let him hang on the gallows and be glad of his removal from her life, but it was strange - he felt an unexpected sympathy for the man. He also knew that such an outcome would devastate her and he truly couldn’t bear the thought, hadn’t the poor woman been through enough? Blackwall/Thom had fought diligently for the Inquisition, and he could hardly blame him for falling for Ellana just as Cullen had. He fought the urge to seek out Ellana after the meeting to comfort her, as he was undoubtedly not the person she wanted to see at that moment, and he knew her well enough to know that when she was exhausted and upset she most likely wanted to be left alone.

The night before Thom Rainier’s judgment, after he had just changed into his soft clothes and was readying himself for retire for the evening, there was a frantic knock on Cullen’s door. He assumed it would be Leliana to discuss Ranier’s situation, the details of extraction, the impact on the Inquisition, all things he had been mulling over as well. The last person he had expected to be standing there was Ellana, and yet there she was. Her hair was in knots, eyes were red and puffy, her nose raw, her cheeks wet. She was such a pitiful sight that it took great control of his faculties not to scoop her up in his arms and hold her tight to try and soothe her.

“Inquisitor, please, do come in. Are you all right? May I get you anything? Tea? Wine?”

She didn’t seem to hear him. Ellana brushed past him into the room and immediately started pacing with her arms wrapped tightly around her waist. He was always amazed at how fast she could be.

“Oh Cullen, what am I to do? What have I gotten myself into? How can I possibly carry out this judgement? I couldn’t just leave him there after everything we’ve been through! I can’t even bring myself to see him. I - I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to just blurt that out, I apologize.” She stopped pacing and looked at him with an intensity he’d never seen before. “Cullen, you’re my friend, aren’t you? We are friends, yes? I know things have been - strange between us, but I can’t bear the thought of losing you as a friend. I need your help, please!” She sniffed and wiped her nose with her sleeve. “I’m sorry, you must think I’m disgusting,” she snorted with a laugh.

He couldn’t help but smirk at that, it was quite endearing. “No, of course not, I could never think that.” She gave him a wide eyed look, expecting - then he realized that she had asked him a question. Fool! “And yes, yes! Yes of course, we are friends. Please know that. We will always be friends. You can tell me anything, I will help in any way I can. Please, sit.” He pulled his chair from behind his desk, gently took her by the arm and guided her to the seat. She obliged and let out a few soft sobs. He was at a loss at what to do and didn’t want to overstep any boundaries (not now) so he softly patted her on the back.

Gently but swiftly she reached back to grab his hand and squeezed it tight. Her hands were so tiny, so soft, he was amazed they could wield deadly daggers so effectively. “I just want to say, Cullen, I’m sorry. I - I think you know what I’m talking about. I would like the chance to explain, if I may?” At this she turned around in the chair to meet his gaze.

And there it was - the same look in her eyes that had been there in the beginning, when he knew in the very depths of his soul that she was his, and he belonged to her, yet he was too stupid to act upon it. In that moment he knew everything would eventually be alright, it wasn’t too late, although he couldn’t know when. These thoughts flitted across his mind as he said “Er, of course, if you would like to, by all means. But I don’t know what it is you feel you have to apologize for, Inquis-”

“Please Cullen, call me Ellana. It’s so much less - impersonal. I’m not calling you Commander so it’s only fair, right?” She gave him a wry smile through the tears. Ah, how he had missed that smile.

“Sorry, Ellana - yet I still do not know what you need to apologize for.” Saying her name felt very odd to him, but comforting. He crouched down to her eye level, still holding her hand.

She squeezed his hand again, took a large hitching breath, then continued on, averting his gaze.

“I’m sorry for acting different and not - engaging with you as we had before. I was with Blackwall, and I just - I just thought it would be better if I closed myself off a bit. Oh creators, is this making any sense?” She blurted out the last line much louder than the rest.

“Please, there is no need to apologize. I am the one who is sorry. You came to see me that night and I wasn’t very friendly. I - uh, was having a very hard time with the lyrium withdrawal. I’m afraid I may have acted quite foolishly.” He looked sheepishly at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck, wondering what would happen next.

“That night…yes, I remember. It was stupid of me to barge over like that without being invited. I am sorry you had to go through that alone, I would have liked to have been there for you. As a friend,” she quickly added. “Are you okay now?” she sniffed, searching his eyes.

“That’s kind of you to ask. Yes, I am much better now. Those weeks after you visited me were very rough, for...many reasons, but hopefully that’s behind me now.”

She nodded and he was sure she understood the full meaning of his words, although to an observer it might have appeared to be a simple gesture. Ellana looked away, her face becoming hard to read in the silence.

“I never really loved Blackwall,” she said very softly after a few moments in a surprised tone, as if she didn’t expect to hear those words come out of her mouth. Her eyes darted back to his, then looked away again. He found himself without words, so she continued.

“Yes, I care for him and still do even after all of this, but as a friend, not as one should feel toward their lover. Not like I," she sighed heavily, "I became swept up in his advances, he was very open with his feelings, and I guess I felt - I convinced myself that I felt the same way. I presume I needed the companionship.”

Cullen couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His hunch had been correct, that the relationship had been one-sided. While he was glad to hear it was so, her words also intensified the bitterness he felt toward himself for pushing her away. Had he been honest with her and not such a coward hiding behind duty, honor and self-pity, he may have avoided all of this and some of the hurt she was feeling right now. Absurdly he thought that Alexius' time travel magic may not be such a terrible idea after all, if only used for good.

She regained composure of herself, smoothing her hair, tears drying up. “That felt good to admit to myself, and to you. Thank you for letting me blubber on about my feelings.” She smirked, pausing to wipe the tears from her cheeks, then her face fell. “As Blackwall’s - Thom’s - friend, I am agonizing over what to do. I have to render judgment upon him - a man that has done a terrible thing, but he clearly wants to atone and was willing to give his life on the gallows. He has been an invaluable asset to our cause and a true friend to all of us. I believe he deserves another chance, but as the leader of the Inquisition I am not sure setting him free is the right course, will it cause an uproar across Thedas of injustice? As my friend, not just as my advisor, I need your help. Please, Cullen.”

Ellana looked at him with a pleading expression. He stood up and paced, mussing the hair on the back of his head and not caring. “This is indeed a difficult situation. The man is clearly repentant of his crime and has done a lot of good work for the cause, and also for the refugees in the Hinterlands before we even met the man.” He thought for a moment, rubbing his chin. “His purpose was to join the Wardens, yes? Maybe he still can? The Grey Wardens care not about a man’s background and they need all the recruits they can get. It could give him a chance to atone for his crime and in a way honor the real Blackwall.”

Ellana’s eyes widened with relief. “CULLEN - you are brilliant! I would have never thought of that. You know, Dalish and all that. I’m still not accustomed to your Templars and your Circles and your Wardens and whatnot. That does sound like the best course of action. Oh!” At this she popped up from the chair and wrapped her arms around him. It took him a moment to register what was happening, then he returned the gesture. She was so small and delicate, yet strong, illogical but still so right. The embrace continued longer than it probably should have, he didn't want to be the first to let go and relished in feeling her body against his without his armor, the constant space between them closing at long last. It wouldn't be right to attempt anything further, but this was his small way of letting her know how he felt. All he could think about was burying his face in her neck and peppering it with soft kisses, but for now he simply rested his head against hers, feeling her soft hair against his cheek. Cullen felt a stirring that he hadn’t felt in the presence of another woman in a very long time.

“Thank you, so very much.” she whispered in his ear. She pulled back, looking at him with such a loving gaze that it made him blush, and took his face in her delicate yet strong hands with urgency. Her thumb lightly brushed against the scar on the side of his upper lip, almost an involuntary gesture. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, truly.” He smiled and started to reach up to touch her beautiful, tear stained face, when suddenly she was no longer in his arms and already opening the door to leave. Maker, she was too damned quick.

“Oh, and Cullen?”

“Yes, Ellana?” He was getting to like calling her that.

She paused, looking grave, eyes downcast. “I’m going to end it with him tomorrow. Truthfully I think he’ll be relieved, I think deep down he knows. And he’s always saying he’s not worthy of me, anyway.” The last part she said in a joking manner and flashed him her trademark wry smile. And with that, she closed the door and was gone.

This all happened a few weeks ago but it seemed like it was only yesterday. Cullen had wanted to give her some space, and her Inquisitor duties as always kept her traveling...this time without Blackwall, at least for now. He could still feel the touch of her hands on his face and the scar he would normally not let anyone touch, still smell her scent that was all her own. Cullen realized with a start that it was time to meet Ellana on the battlements. By Andraste’s grace he was given a second chance with the woman he loved, and he would never let her go. Not this time.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, please let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
